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Posts Tagged ‘self’

My hormones are running wild because of my period.  And because of some illegal activity I engaged in last night.  I feel stupid for joining in… but it’s been a long time.  And I actually like doing the thing.  I guess my body just got shocked.  So now, I’m feeling pretty low.  Well, I’ve been feeling a lot lower last night… what with my unceasing crying and spiraling bad thoughts… and some boyfriend drama and wishful thinking.

I just need something to pick me up.  And since I can’t do all the things that make me feel grand, the next best thing is to imagine myself doing them and still feel grand.

Loving Me

1. Take a long, soothing, cold bath. Some people like hot baths.  I like cold baths.  No…. Actually, I love cold baths.  It’s so hot here in the Philippines that I just can’t stand hot baths.  Plus, they make my beloved hair brittle and prone to breakage.  Taking a good bath is my number one defense against bad days.  Even when I’m lazy when it comes to bathing.  Nothing beats a good cool bath to combat sadness.

2. Listen to my favorite bands. New Found Glory.  Motion City Soundtrack.  Dashboard Confessional.  Well, those so far since I haven’t completely rebuilt my music collection since the hard drive disaster.  Music always makes me feel better.

3. Sing out loud.  And proud. I know I have a good voice.  It’s not the best voice in the world but I’m proud of it.  When I feel low, I just put on my favorite songs and sing along.  My computer has this HD Realtek thing that can alter the audio output and make it into a karaoke song.  I had fun with it one afternoon when I was home alone.  I played Motion City Soundtrack songs and just sang and sand until I felt really better about myself.

4. Cook. Not that I’m a great cook.  But I feel happy at the thought that I’ve accomplished something.  There was this one night when I felt really bad and I was all alone, left to my hateful thoughts.  I decided to search for a garlic sauce recipe and actually make it.  So I searched and cooked and was satisfied.  I also made french fries to go with the sauce.  Yum!  The sauce actually turned out great.  Too much oregano, but great.  And my self-esteem also felt great after.

5. Wear my one and only heels. I love them.  And they make my lovely legs look even lovelier.

6. Blog.  Or blog hop. Nothing beats expressing my thoughts.  Except maybe reading other people’s thoughts.  I’ve actually fallen in love with this blog because it’s the most truthful blog I’ve ever kept.  Even if it’s only been several months.

7. Wear my battered Chuck Taylors. I’ve had them for three years now and they’re battered and “holey.”  But I love them.  They make me feel strong and fearless and totally me.  I’ve worn them with/to pretty much everything and everywhere.  These days, I refrain from wearing them during rainy days because of the many many holes on their sides.

8. Wear my favorite black bra. Good support.  Sexy.  Black.  I look hot.  I feel hot.

9. Get and/or give hugs. People should hug more.  That’s all I can say.

10. Watch anime. I forget my problems and go into this other world filled with so many colorful, weird, morbid, romantic and funny things.  An escapist move on my part but it works.  Sometimes I just need to get away.

11. Watching romantic comedies or just plain comedies. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.  Even if everything seems so hopeless, I know I’ll be fine if I can still laugh and smile.  Oh, and let’s not forget love…. All we need is love.  Love makes the world go round.  I believe that love (for myself, for others, for animals, for the world) will always make things better.

I guess that’s it for now.  I don’t really need expensive things or extravagant acts to make myself feel loved and happy.  I guess all I need are reminders of the things that make me “me.”

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I always thought that growing up (and older) would mean that I would be wiser and more honest in my relations with myself and other people. But as I looked through my old blog, one I wrote when I was still entering university life, I realize that I am absolutely mistaken. I was more honest and more frank with the things I felt and thought and said. These past few years, all I’ve been was pretentious and unsatisfied with who I am. All I’ve been trying to be was the best. The best in the standards of the people around me: thin, pretty, flawless skin, quick wit, great sense of humor, organized yet happy-go-lucky, happy, never gets flustered and that other crap that may seem to make sense. But I guess I was just fooling myself. They were not what people wanted of me; they were the things I wanted myself to be. I wasn’t satisfied with myself.

And I wrote such beautiful poetry back then. Full of life and honesty and passion for whatever my subject or feeling was. I don’t know why I can’t write that way anymore. I mean, I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. I don’t need to listen to that teacher I had who had such high standards that nothing seemed good enough for her. I am a good writer! At times, I’m even a great one! I believe that with all my heart. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone.

Now that I’m all grown up, I’m not much wiser than when I was a college freshman. I still have the idealistic thoughts, far fetched dreams and romantic tendencies. Tamer, yes, but none the less present. I still love someone like it’s my first time. I still am in awe of the night sky. I still believe that things are not as bad as they might seem. I still dream of this wonderful life with my soulmate and bestfriend. My places of refuge are still mountains, beaches, and the occasional dark patch of city land where I can view the stars. I think I’ll always believe in true love.

I don’t think I know any better in so many aspects of life. In some ways, that scares me because in a few months I’ll be done with school and will have to face the intricacies of working relations and trying to survive by myself. But also in some ways, I don’t really mind. Knowing any better sometimes ruins a good thing.

I guess I’ll have to go through all this one day at a time; not focusing too much on the future or reliving the past too much. I have to remember what it is to be honest and true especially to myself.

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