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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

I.

I know I still cling a bit to who I was in the past. So when I got the discographies of three bands that I like, I felt really really happy. I got the discography of FM Static, Dashboard Confessional and New Found Glory. Happy days!!! Now I can’t wait to download the other songs of bands that I’ve liked since high school senior year.

A brief rundown of the bands:

  • Bowling for Soup
  • Blink 182
  • The Starting Line
  • Brand New
  • Mest
  • Mxpx

There are still others but I don’t really recall them. =p

II.

It’s 3:15 am and I’m still awake. Still trying to make a presentation for a report on Dialects of America. I don’t know how this helps me and my classmates in our Socio-Psycholinguistics class. I wish we (me and my partner) did the report on Slang and Creoles.

III.

I hate how I love someone completely. It hurts. Especially the part about not knowing if we’ll really end up together. I know he wants kids. I don’t know if I can give him kids. I need a check up. He wants to move to Canada. I think I’ll follow him there. Or anywhere he wants to go. I want to be with him.

I hung out with him this afternoon and we were on his bed, lying down. I was lying on his chest and I could hear his heart beating. We had this short conversation:

Him: Hey gorgeous.
Me: Hey handsome.

Then he kissed me.

I really want that. Forever. I really really really want that.

IV.

Rainy nights are perfect.

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Are You Ready?

I tremble at the thought of my boyfriend reading my blog. I’m comfortable in his presence, and I love him and all that… but having him know my innermost thoughts, insecurities and dreams? I don’t know if our relationship is at that level. I don’t know if he’ll look at me the same way after he finds out that I want so much more from him, from myself and from my life.

He must know that I am so much more than what I show to the world. I know he doesn’t assume to know me completely. Even I don’t know me completely.

When I’m ready, I’ll let him in on this secret blog.

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I have now accepted that the past is just the past.  Nothing but memories–horrible, happy, sad, crazy–but memories none the less.  And now, I think that I’m on my way to becoming a better and happier person.  I’ve accepted that everything I’ve been through was just the universe’s way of shaping me to be ready for this moment.  Not knowing–what if’s and what will happen’s–still make me uncomfortable… but not so much now that I cannot enjoy the present.

Exactly how I feel about my relationship.  It’s not perfect and it’s not always a walk in the park, but I love the chemistry and connection.  I love the laughs we have.  I love how he gets mad at me when I’m mad at him.  And yes, if I could, I would make it last forever.

photos taken from http://postsecret.blogspot.com

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I don’t know if my boyfriend has ever gotten mad at me.  Like really mad.  I don’t know if he felt so furious at me that he just wanted to tell me that he’s mad.  Hahaha.  I don’t know.  I just feel very guilty right now for making him late for his class.  I didn’t mean to.  I thought he was running late.  I didn’t think I was making him late.  When I read his text message thirty minutes ago, I felt like he was scolding me or something.  I really don’t know how he feels.  I wish he was predictable in that aspect.  Not in everything because that would be plain boring, right?

Sometimes I wish I was better at reading other people’s feelings because that would make my relationship with my boyfriend easier.  He thinks I’m complicated but I think that he’s complicated.  In a simple way, anyway.  He doesn’t have much to say when he’s… in an altered state of consciousness (ASC… hehehe…), if I may just use that phrase.  And when he’s not in that ASC, I don’t know what to make of him because that’s when he’s most complicated.  I haven’t been around the sober him in quite sometime.  I think that for the most of our relationship, he’s been in an ASC and I don’t really know who he really is.

I wish I did.

I wish I knew him.  The real him.  The emo side of him.  The sentimental part of him.  The part of him who wrote all those poems on deviantart.  I wish he would write me poems like he did for nicotine, this girl, and all the other things that was in his life that made him feel something.

I just want to know that I make him feel something.

Something good and strong and passionate.

Something he wants to feel as long as he’s alive.

No matter what.

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photo taken from http://postsecret.blogspot.com

I was looking at the new Sunday Secrets over at the PostSecret site when I came upon this picture. My eyes immediately teared up and this bittersweet feeling washed over my being. The picture reminded me of the photo I took of my boyfriend’s and my feet. I also knew even way back then that I already loved him. Even if we’ve been together for just a couple of months that time. I still love him so much. I’m learning to love him (good traits and flaws and all) as each day passes by. I don’t know if the day will ever come when I’ll be able to show him that picture of our feet and tell him that I’ve loved him ever since.

P.S. I actually already did show him that particular photo of our feet but I placed a different caption. I still hope every single day that he’ll do what it says. ❤

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