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Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

  1. getting my period
  2. shaking hands with Henry Allen
  3. watching Faspitch play
  4. 64 MB Cafe (Handuraw) Soft Ice Cream
  5. learning how to play Dashboard Confessional’s So Impossible on the guitar
  6. my new black, spidey skirt
  7. end of midterms
  8. going home at 2:30
  9. a visit from a friend
  10. finding a really cute cellphone charm
  11. stuff my boyfriend said
  12. Crumpy hazelnut spread
  13. batchoy

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Ever since I admitted that I actually have depression, I decided that I would not allow it to control me. I wanted to live a full life. I wanted to be living, not just alive. I didn’t want to just be existing in this world. I wanted to feel passion. I wanted to smile genuinely. I wanted to be really happy.

It all proved to be a long and frustrating journey. I’ve thought about giving up many many times but something always seemed to give me a little bit of courage when I was at my lowest. I’ve had many breakdowns and meltdowns and little bouts of insanity but somehow I managed to reach 21 years without having a suicide attempt. (And you don’t know how many times I’ve wished death upon myself.)

I’ve searched for happiness for the last two years and it always managed to elude me.

Then I heard a song by Jimmy Eat World called “For Me This Is Heaven.” When I heard the song, I cried. Actually, one line from the song made me cry:

“If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?
If not now, when?”

I realized right then and there that I’ve been approaching this happiness thing the wrong way. I was always focusing on the future and how happy I could be… when I finally get a good grasp of the ever elusive happiness. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Not at all.

Now I know the key to happiness, be it great or small happiness:

FORGET THE PAST.

ENJOY THE PRESENT.
LIVE IN THE NOW.

LOOK A FEW INCHES INTO THE FUTURE.

It’s simple but it works for me. Especially living in the now. Slowly, ever so slowly, I’m learning to be completely present even in the most simple events and acts of everyday life. I used to hate being alone but now, I relish the times when I get to be alone and just be with me, my thoughts and my peace.

Things have been so much more fulfilling. And the joy I feel is just… beautiful.

~*~

For Me This Is Heaven
by Jimmy Eat World

The first star I see may not be a star
We can’t do a thing but wait
So let’s wait for one more

And the time, such clumsy time
In deciding if it’s time
I’m careful but not sure how it goes
You can lose yourself in your courage

When the time we have now ends
When the big hand goes round again

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

And the mindless comfort grows
When I’m alone with my great plans
And this is what she said gets her through it:
“If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?
If not now, when?”

The time we have now ends
And when the big hand goes round again

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

I close my eyes and believe
That wherever you are angel

For when the time we have now ends
And when the big hand goes round again

Can you still feel the butterflies?
Can you still hear the last goodnight?

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