Posts Tagged ‘growing wiser’

I always thought that growing up (and older) would mean that I would be wiser and more honest in my relations with myself and other people. But as I looked through my old blog, one I wrote when I was still entering university life, I realize that I am absolutely mistaken. I was more honest and more frank with the things I felt and thought and said. These past few years, all I’ve been was pretentious and unsatisfied with who I am. All I’ve been trying to be was the best. The best in the standards of the people around me: thin, pretty, flawless skin, quick wit, great sense of humor, organized yet happy-go-lucky, happy, never gets flustered and that other crap that may seem to make sense. But I guess I was just fooling myself. They were not what people wanted of me; they were the things I wanted myself to be. I wasn’t satisfied with myself.

And I wrote such beautiful poetry back then. Full of life and honesty and passion for whatever my subject or feeling was. I don’t know why I can’t write that way anymore. I mean, I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations. I don’t need to listen to that teacher I had who had such high standards that nothing seemed good enough for her. I am a good writer! At times, I’m even a great one! I believe that with all my heart. I don’t need to compare myself to anyone.

Now that I’m all grown up, I’m not much wiser than when I was a college freshman. I still have the idealistic thoughts, far fetched dreams and romantic tendencies. Tamer, yes, but none the less present. I still love someone like it’s my first time. I still am in awe of the night sky. I still believe that things are not as bad as they might seem. I still dream of this wonderful life with my soulmate and bestfriend. My places of refuge are still mountains, beaches, and the occasional dark patch of city land where I can view the stars. I think I’ll always believe in true love.

I don’t think I know any better in so many aspects of life. In some ways, that scares me because in a few months I’ll be done with school and will have to face the intricacies of working relations and trying to survive by myself. But also in some ways, I don’t really mind. Knowing any better sometimes ruins a good thing.

I guess I’ll have to go through all this one day at a time; not focusing too much on the future or reliving the past too much. I have to remember what it is to be honest and true especially to myself.


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