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New Blog

So many things have changed since I started this blog (and many others after it).

Please head over to my new blog to find out what’s been going in my life these days.

And I sincerely apologize for not responding to your comments. I lost the password to this account and just found a way to recover it.

http://denistar.wordpress.com

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I was hanging out in school this morning and I heard this really cute thing from a guy friend.  He was saying it to his girlfriend who was sitting beside him.  It went something like this:

We’re opposites, we’re so different… that’s why we’re so perfect for each other.
Lagi tayong nag-aaway pero masaya pa rin.  (We’re always fighting but we’re still happy.)

I felt so happy for them.  Their naive and idealistic view of love and companionship was so touching.  I know that they’ve been through some things, so I know that what he said really means something. 

I used to think like them.  But as I grew up, I’ve learned a few things that has made me hesitant to pursue that kind of view.  Yeah, I was hesitant for a while but the hopeless romantic side of me persisted and won.  I still like the idea of falling in love, of loving someone forever, of growing old with someone.  I still hold on to the dream that one day, I’ll wake up and smile at the fact that I’m happily married to/living with a person who’s my friend, my lover, my confidant, my pillar, and all the other things that I also could be for him.  And it’s a dream that I know will come true.

So I’ll continue dreaming.  I’ll continue to experience love as I did when I was younger.  I hope that my two friends will also do the same.

Like The Beatles sang, “All we need is love.”

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Keeping It Safe

I feel really really sad these days.  Sadder than I usually am.  And just because I realized that I’m no longer what I want myself to be.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love myself the way I am.  It’s just that…. I’ve lost my edge.  This thing that made me feel like I’m “me” despite everything.

I’ve totally lost a part of me and I’m afraid I’ll never get it back.

I’ve noticed that lately, I’m afraid to take risks and be my crazy self.  I’m a more tame, but not exactly mature person.  I don’t fret about the being mature part because I’m getting there, slowly but surely.  But the tame part, I’m definitely worried about.  I don’t want to be tame.  I’m not tame.  I’m wild and crazy and confuzzling.  I like taking risks.  I like extreme things.  I’m exciting.  And I definitely don’t care what people think.  But that’s not the person I know I am right now.  I care too much about what others think.  I’m afraid of taking risks.  I no longer am adventurous.

I really have no idea why I suddenly became this.  The tameness was something that happened so slowly that when it progressed far enough to make a difference, I was blown away.  By how un-me I’ve become.  About how I feel like I’m a loser.

I really hope that someday soon, I’ll regain my confidence in my risk-taking abilities.

photo from http://www.skydiving.com

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My hormones are running wild because of my period.  And because of some illegal activity I engaged in last night.  I feel stupid for joining in… but it’s been a long time.  And I actually like doing the thing.  I guess my body just got shocked.  So now, I’m feeling pretty low.  Well, I’ve been feeling a lot lower last night… what with my unceasing crying and spiraling bad thoughts… and some boyfriend drama and wishful thinking.

I just need something to pick me up.  And since I can’t do all the things that make me feel grand, the next best thing is to imagine myself doing them and still feel grand.

Loving Me

1. Take a long, soothing, cold bath. Some people like hot baths.  I like cold baths.  No…. Actually, I love cold baths.  It’s so hot here in the Philippines that I just can’t stand hot baths.  Plus, they make my beloved hair brittle and prone to breakage.  Taking a good bath is my number one defense against bad days.  Even when I’m lazy when it comes to bathing.  Nothing beats a good cool bath to combat sadness.

2. Listen to my favorite bands. New Found Glory.  Motion City Soundtrack.  Dashboard Confessional.  Well, those so far since I haven’t completely rebuilt my music collection since the hard drive disaster.  Music always makes me feel better.

3. Sing out loud.  And proud. I know I have a good voice.  It’s not the best voice in the world but I’m proud of it.  When I feel low, I just put on my favorite songs and sing along.  My computer has this HD Realtek thing that can alter the audio output and make it into a karaoke song.  I had fun with it one afternoon when I was home alone.  I played Motion City Soundtrack songs and just sang and sand until I felt really better about myself.

4. Cook. Not that I’m a great cook.  But I feel happy at the thought that I’ve accomplished something.  There was this one night when I felt really bad and I was all alone, left to my hateful thoughts.  I decided to search for a garlic sauce recipe and actually make it.  So I searched and cooked and was satisfied.  I also made french fries to go with the sauce.  Yum!  The sauce actually turned out great.  Too much oregano, but great.  And my self-esteem also felt great after.

5. Wear my one and only heels. I love them.  And they make my lovely legs look even lovelier.

6. Blog.  Or blog hop. Nothing beats expressing my thoughts.  Except maybe reading other people’s thoughts.  I’ve actually fallen in love with this blog because it’s the most truthful blog I’ve ever kept.  Even if it’s only been several months.

7. Wear my battered Chuck Taylors. I’ve had them for three years now and they’re battered and “holey.”  But I love them.  They make me feel strong and fearless and totally me.  I’ve worn them with/to pretty much everything and everywhere.  These days, I refrain from wearing them during rainy days because of the many many holes on their sides.

8. Wear my favorite black bra. Good support.  Sexy.  Black.  I look hot.  I feel hot.

9. Get and/or give hugs. People should hug more.  That’s all I can say.

10. Watch anime. I forget my problems and go into this other world filled with so many colorful, weird, morbid, romantic and funny things.  An escapist move on my part but it works.  Sometimes I just need to get away.

11. Watching romantic comedies or just plain comedies. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.  Even if everything seems so hopeless, I know I’ll be fine if I can still laugh and smile.  Oh, and let’s not forget love…. All we need is love.  Love makes the world go round.  I believe that love (for myself, for others, for animals, for the world) will always make things better.

I guess that’s it for now.  I don’t really need expensive things or extravagant acts to make myself feel loved and happy.  I guess all I need are reminders of the things that make me “me.”

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Last night, me and boyfriend went to Paseo to watch Faspitch and Urbandub play. I was mostly there for Faspitch since I’m not really a fan of Urbandub’s music.

Oh, who am I kidding?! I was just really there to watch and hear Henry sing.

A few minutes before Urbandub played their set, Henry went over to our table. (Did I mention he’s a friend of my boyfriend’s friends? Hahaha! Forgive me. I’m not really boasting. I’m just explaining why he went over to our table.) Anyway, he went over and I was finally introduced to him. He shook my hand and all I could do was smile a freakishly big smile at him. Oh man! I think my hand was cold with nervousness. He has this effect on me: I get all giggly, my heart starts to beat a mile per minute and all I can do is smile and stare at his handsome face. In short, I get all “fan-girly” when I see him.

When it was Faspitch’s turn to play, I followed my boyfriend into the moshpit. I tried moshing but I just couldn’t. I just kept staring at Henry. Then when they started to play All Under Heaven, I got separated from my guy. Everyone was moshing and the boyfriend just couldn’t help himself… he had to go the front. So I stayed on the side and watched Henry sing. It was all I could really do because his voice always gets drowned out by the instruments. Except when he screams. You can definitely hear him scream. That’s what I did for the rest their set. I sang along to parts where I knew the lyrics.

It was pretty uneventful after Faspitch played.

That is… until we started heading for the exit!

He was there in front of us! I was so shocked to see him that I clung to my boyfriend as if I’ve seen a ghost. Boyfriend and Henry talked for a while. All the while, I was looking at Henry with admiration. He gave me a questioning look. And I wondered why that was. Later, I found out that he’s a really humble guy who doesn’t seem to know that a million people adore him. Hence, the questioning look in response to my admiring look.

That was my first encounter with a vocalist that I really like. And I guess I was all fan-girl during the whole thing. But honestly, it was so surreal that I got to meet Henry Allen. I’m not really a big fan of local bands and I don’t make a big deal about them. So last night was a first for me. It was exciting.

I hope I get a chance to talk to him without me getting all fan-girl on him.

*photos taken from Henry Allen’s facebook page*

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I don’t know what to say about that night when I wanted to feel like a princess.

I felt so pretty and confident and excited when I was getting ready.  And when I was waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up.  But for a huge part of the night, I felt depressed and ugly.  I remember feeling so horribly panicked and emotional.  I remember wanting to bawl right in the middle of the party, with all the people around me having fun.

I’m not really sure what made me feel that way but I have a few theories:

1. My boyfriend didn’t compliment me.  At all. I was really hoping that he’d say something nice about me that night.  Actually, I’ve been wanting him to notice me for the past couple of weeks before that night.  But he never failed to not compliment me or say anything nice about me.  I felt neglected and unappreciated by him.  And to add insult to injury, he kept commenting on how dressed up other people were or how nice this girl looked and stuff.  But he never said anything about me!

2. The beauty pageant contestants made me feel insecure. Well, okay.  So they didn’t really make me feel insecure.  I allowed myself to feel like I was less than them.  But like I said in the previous item, my boyfriend seemed to notice them more than me.  And that really sucks.

3. I wasn’t feeling so confident that night. Now, I really tried to psych myself up for that night.  I’ve been talking to myself and telling myself that “You are a beautiful, independent and powerful woman.”  I conditioned my mind not to compare myself to other girls.  Maybe I was too focused on that event that I failed to see the bigger picture of trying to be more confident and trusting in myself.

Well,  thankfully, I recovered fast that night.  And in retrospect, I think that I did feel like a princess despite the few minutes of insecurity and self-hate.  I was able to do that easily when I forced myself to look into my heart and see the beauty and love inside.  I didn’t tell my boyfriend about what happened to me that night.  I never showed him the eyes that filled with tears for a few seconds.  I bounced back because of me.

I was a princess that night.

And I still am a princess. Today, tomorrow, and for every single day that I spend alive in this world.

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Are You Ready?

I tremble at the thought of my boyfriend reading my blog. I’m comfortable in his presence, and I love him and all that… but having him know my innermost thoughts, insecurities and dreams? I don’t know if our relationship is at that level. I don’t know if he’ll look at me the same way after he finds out that I want so much more from him, from myself and from my life.

He must know that I am so much more than what I show to the world. I know he doesn’t assume to know me completely. Even I don’t know me completely.

When I’m ready, I’ll let him in on this secret blog.

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