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New Blog

So many things have changed since I started this blog (and many others after it).

Please head over to my new blog to find out what’s been going in my life these days.

And I sincerely apologize for not responding to your comments. I lost the password to this account and just found a way to recover it.

http://denistar.wordpress.com

Kids In Love

I was hanging out in school this morning and I heard this really cute thing from a guy friend.  He was saying it to his girlfriend who was sitting beside him.  It went something like this:

We’re opposites, we’re so different… that’s why we’re so perfect for each other.
Lagi tayong nag-aaway pero masaya pa rin.  (We’re always fighting but we’re still happy.)

I felt so happy for them.  Their naive and idealistic view of love and companionship was so touching.  I know that they’ve been through some things, so I know that what he said really means something. 

I used to think like them.  But as I grew up, I’ve learned a few things that has made me hesitant to pursue that kind of view.  Yeah, I was hesitant for a while but the hopeless romantic side of me persisted and won.  I still like the idea of falling in love, of loving someone forever, of growing old with someone.  I still hold on to the dream that one day, I’ll wake up and smile at the fact that I’m happily married to/living with a person who’s my friend, my lover, my confidant, my pillar, and all the other things that I also could be for him.  And it’s a dream that I know will come true.

So I’ll continue dreaming.  I’ll continue to experience love as I did when I was younger.  I hope that my two friends will also do the same.

Like The Beatles sang, “All we need is love.”

Keeping It Safe

I feel really really sad these days.  Sadder than I usually am.  And just because I realized that I’m no longer what I want myself to be.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I love myself the way I am.  It’s just that…. I’ve lost my edge.  This thing that made me feel like I’m “me” despite everything.

I’ve totally lost a part of me and I’m afraid I’ll never get it back.

I’ve noticed that lately, I’m afraid to take risks and be my crazy self.  I’m a more tame, but not exactly mature person.  I don’t fret about the being mature part because I’m getting there, slowly but surely.  But the tame part, I’m definitely worried about.  I don’t want to be tame.  I’m not tame.  I’m wild and crazy and confuzzling.  I like taking risks.  I like extreme things.  I’m exciting.  And I definitely don’t care what people think.  But that’s not the person I know I am right now.  I care too much about what others think.  I’m afraid of taking risks.  I no longer am adventurous.

I really have no idea why I suddenly became this.  The tameness was something that happened so slowly that when it progressed far enough to make a difference, I was blown away.  By how un-me I’ve become.  About how I feel like I’m a loser.

I really hope that someday soon, I’ll regain my confidence in my risk-taking abilities.

photo from http://www.skydiving.com

My hormones are running wild because of my period.  And because of some illegal activity I engaged in last night.  I feel stupid for joining in… but it’s been a long time.  And I actually like doing the thing.  I guess my body just got shocked.  So now, I’m feeling pretty low.  Well, I’ve been feeling a lot lower last night… what with my unceasing crying and spiraling bad thoughts… and some boyfriend drama and wishful thinking.

I just need something to pick me up.  And since I can’t do all the things that make me feel grand, the next best thing is to imagine myself doing them and still feel grand.

Loving Me

1. Take a long, soothing, cold bath. Some people like hot baths.  I like cold baths.  No…. Actually, I love cold baths.  It’s so hot here in the Philippines that I just can’t stand hot baths.  Plus, they make my beloved hair brittle and prone to breakage.  Taking a good bath is my number one defense against bad days.  Even when I’m lazy when it comes to bathing.  Nothing beats a good cool bath to combat sadness.

2. Listen to my favorite bands. New Found Glory.  Motion City Soundtrack.  Dashboard Confessional.  Well, those so far since I haven’t completely rebuilt my music collection since the hard drive disaster.  Music always makes me feel better.

3. Sing out loud.  And proud. I know I have a good voice.  It’s not the best voice in the world but I’m proud of it.  When I feel low, I just put on my favorite songs and sing along.  My computer has this HD Realtek thing that can alter the audio output and make it into a karaoke song.  I had fun with it one afternoon when I was home alone.  I played Motion City Soundtrack songs and just sang and sand until I felt really better about myself.

4. Cook. Not that I’m a great cook.  But I feel happy at the thought that I’ve accomplished something.  There was this one night when I felt really bad and I was all alone, left to my hateful thoughts.  I decided to search for a garlic sauce recipe and actually make it.  So I searched and cooked and was satisfied.  I also made french fries to go with the sauce.  Yum!  The sauce actually turned out great.  Too much oregano, but great.  And my self-esteem also felt great after.

5. Wear my one and only heels. I love them.  And they make my lovely legs look even lovelier.

6. Blog.  Or blog hop. Nothing beats expressing my thoughts.  Except maybe reading other people’s thoughts.  I’ve actually fallen in love with this blog because it’s the most truthful blog I’ve ever kept.  Even if it’s only been several months.

7. Wear my battered Chuck Taylors. I’ve had them for three years now and they’re battered and “holey.”  But I love them.  They make me feel strong and fearless and totally me.  I’ve worn them with/to pretty much everything and everywhere.  These days, I refrain from wearing them during rainy days because of the many many holes on their sides.

8. Wear my favorite black bra. Good support.  Sexy.  Black.  I look hot.  I feel hot.

9. Get and/or give hugs. People should hug more.  That’s all I can say.

10. Watch anime. I forget my problems and go into this other world filled with so many colorful, weird, morbid, romantic and funny things.  An escapist move on my part but it works.  Sometimes I just need to get away.

11. Watching romantic comedies or just plain comedies. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.  Even if everything seems so hopeless, I know I’ll be fine if I can still laugh and smile.  Oh, and let’s not forget love…. All we need is love.  Love makes the world go round.  I believe that love (for myself, for others, for animals, for the world) will always make things better.

I guess that’s it for now.  I don’t really need expensive things or extravagant acts to make myself feel loved and happy.  I guess all I need are reminders of the things that make me “me.”

  1. getting my period
  2. shaking hands with Henry Allen
  3. watching Faspitch play
  4. 64 MB Cafe (Handuraw) Soft Ice Cream
  5. learning how to play Dashboard Confessional’s So Impossible on the guitar
  6. my new black, spidey skirt
  7. end of midterms
  8. going home at 2:30
  9. a visit from a friend
  10. finding a really cute cellphone charm
  11. stuff my boyfriend said
  12. Crumpy hazelnut spread
  13. batchoy

Starstruck!

Last night, me and boyfriend went to Paseo to watch Faspitch and Urbandub play. I was mostly there for Faspitch since I’m not really a fan of Urbandub’s music.

Oh, who am I kidding?! I was just really there to watch and hear Henry sing.

A few minutes before Urbandub played their set, Henry went over to our table. (Did I mention he’s a friend of my boyfriend’s friends? Hahaha! Forgive me. I’m not really boasting. I’m just explaining why he went over to our table.) Anyway, he went over and I was finally introduced to him. He shook my hand and all I could do was smile a freakishly big smile at him. Oh man! I think my hand was cold with nervousness. He has this effect on me: I get all giggly, my heart starts to beat a mile per minute and all I can do is smile and stare at his handsome face. In short, I get all “fan-girly” when I see him.

When it was Faspitch’s turn to play, I followed my boyfriend into the moshpit. I tried moshing but I just couldn’t. I just kept staring at Henry. Then when they started to play All Under Heaven, I got separated from my guy. Everyone was moshing and the boyfriend just couldn’t help himself… he had to go the front. So I stayed on the side and watched Henry sing. It was all I could really do because his voice always gets drowned out by the instruments. Except when he screams. You can definitely hear him scream. That’s what I did for the rest their set. I sang along to parts where I knew the lyrics.

It was pretty uneventful after Faspitch played.

That is… until we started heading for the exit!

He was there in front of us! I was so shocked to see him that I clung to my boyfriend as if I’ve seen a ghost. Boyfriend and Henry talked for a while. All the while, I was looking at Henry with admiration. He gave me a questioning look. And I wondered why that was. Later, I found out that he’s a really humble guy who doesn’t seem to know that a million people adore him. Hence, the questioning look in response to my admiring look.

That was my first encounter with a vocalist that I really like. And I guess I was all fan-girl during the whole thing. But honestly, it was so surreal that I got to meet Henry Allen. I’m not really a big fan of local bands and I don’t make a big deal about them. So last night was a first for me. It was exciting.

I hope I get a chance to talk to him without me getting all fan-girl on him.

*photos taken from Henry Allen’s facebook page*

Randoms #1

I.

I know I still cling a bit to who I was in the past. So when I got the discographies of three bands that I like, I felt really really happy. I got the discography of FM Static, Dashboard Confessional and New Found Glory. Happy days!!! Now I can’t wait to download the other songs of bands that I’ve liked since high school senior year.

A brief rundown of the bands:

  • Bowling for Soup
  • Blink 182
  • The Starting Line
  • Brand New
  • Mest
  • Mxpx

There are still others but I don’t really recall them. =p

II.

It’s 3:15 am and I’m still awake. Still trying to make a presentation for a report on Dialects of America. I don’t know how this helps me and my classmates in our Socio-Psycholinguistics class. I wish we (me and my partner) did the report on Slang and Creoles.

III.

I hate how I love someone completely. It hurts. Especially the part about not knowing if we’ll really end up together. I know he wants kids. I don’t know if I can give him kids. I need a check up. He wants to move to Canada. I think I’ll follow him there. Or anywhere he wants to go. I want to be with him.

I hung out with him this afternoon and we were on his bed, lying down. I was lying on his chest and I could hear his heart beating. We had this short conversation:

Him: Hey gorgeous.
Me: Hey handsome.

Then he kissed me.

I really want that. Forever. I really really really want that.

IV.

Rainy nights are perfect.