I feel really really sad these days. Sadder than I usually am. And just because I realized that I’m no longer what I want myself to be. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love myself the way I am. It’s just that…. I’ve lost my edge. This thing that made me feel like I’m “me” despite everything.
I’ve totally lost a part of me and I’m afraid I’ll never get it back.
I’ve noticed that lately, I’m afraid to take risks and be my crazy self. I’m a more tame, but not exactly mature person. I don’t fret about the being mature part because I’m getting there, slowly but surely. But the tame part, I’m definitely worried about. I don’t want to be tame. I’m not tame. I’m wild and crazy and confuzzling. I like taking risks. I like extreme things. I’m exciting. And I definitely don’t care what people think. But that’s not the person I know I am right now. I care too much about what others think. I’m afraid of taking risks. I no longer am adventurous.
I really have no idea why I suddenly became this. The tameness was something that happened so slowly that when it progressed far enough to make a difference, I was blown away. By how un-me I’ve become. About how I feel like I’m a loser.
I really hope that someday soon, I’ll regain my confidence in my risk-taking abilities.
photo from http://www.skydiving.com
